Sample Edits: Illustrative Before and After | Help Me Bro

Four illustrative edits

Example 1: APA 7 editing

Illustrative example, not real client work

Original

Results. In a study of remote-work productivity, 200 employees rated their output higher at home than in the office (“Remote Work and Output” 2020). Productivity were highest among employees with private workspaces. Ten participants reported lower focus, while 7 reported no change. The pattern held across most departments, but it was weaker in teams that met daily. Reference entry: Remote work and output. (2020). Retrieved from the project website.

With tracked changes

Results. In a study of remote-work productivity, 200 employees rated their output higher at home than in the office (“Remote Work and Output,” 2020). Productivity werewas highest among employees with private workspaces. Ten participants reported lower focus, while 7seven reported no change. The pattern held across most departments, but it was weaker in teams that met daily. Reference entry: Remote work and output. (2020). Retrieved from the project website.

Margin comments

• Comment: The reference entry does not say who published the work or where a reader can find it. Check the APA 7 pattern for a source with no named author and decide what your entry needs.
• Comment: Look at how numbers are handled in this paragraph. Which rule explains “Ten” and “seven,” and do 200 and the other figures follow the same logic?
• Comment: Your heading looks different from your other headings. Compare it with the heading levels in your template and match them.
• Comment: “Rated their output higher at home” is a firm claim for a survey. Which part of your data supports it, and does the verb need to be more cautious?

Example 2: A dissertation paragraph

Illustrative example, not real client work

Original

This chapter will show that remote work obviously improves productivity. Many studies were looked at, and it is possible that perhaps the effect may possibly depend on job type. The participants was drawn from three firms. Telecommuting, working from home and remote work are all used. In conclusion the results are important. Also the sample, which was selected, was of workers.

With tracked changes

This chapter will show that remote work obviously improves productivity. Many studies were looked at, and it is possible that perhaps the effect may possibly depend on job type. The participants waswere drawn from three firms. Telecommuting, working from home, and remote work are all used. In conclusion, the results are important. Also, the sample, which was selected, was of workers.

Margin comments

• Comment: “Obviously” promises more than the chapter may deliver. What evidence will a skeptical committee member expect to see before accepting this?
• Comment: The second sentence stacks several hedges (“possible,” “perhaps,” “may,” “possibly”). Which single level of certainty does your evidence actually justify?
• Comment: You use three terms for the same idea. Which one will you define and keep throughout the dissertation?
• Comment: Who selected the sample, and how? The passive voice hides this. Consider what a reader needs to know about your sampling.
• Comment: What is the main point of this paragraph? Try stating it in one sentence and see whether the paragraph delivers it.

Example 3: A personal statement paragraph

Illustrative example, not real client work

Original

Ever since I was young I have always been passionate about business. I am a hard worker and a good team player and I learned alot from my experiences. I believe this program would be a great fit for me and help me reach my goals. Its my dream to make a difference in the world, and I know I can do it.

With tracked changes

Ever since I was young, I have always been passionate about business. I am a hard worker and a good team player, and I learned alota lot from my experiences. I believe this program would be a great fit for me and help me reach my goals. ItsIt’s my dream to make a difference in the world, and I know I can do it.

Margin comments

• Comment: Many applicants open with a childhood passion. What is one moment that only you could write about, and could it start this paragraph instead?
• Comment: “Hard worker” and “good team player” are claims. What did you do that would let a reader reach that conclusion without being told?
• Comment: “A lot from my experiences” does not say which experiences or what you learned. Which one or two would you name?
• Comment: What specifically about this program fits you? Think of a course, a method or a faculty interest you can point to.
• Comment: “Make a difference in the world” is very broad. What difference, for whom, and how does your plan connect to it?

Example 4: Coaching comments on a literature-review passage

Illustrative example, not real client work

Original

Research on remote work and productivity shows mixed results. Some studies find gains and others find losses. This proposal will study remote work in mid-sized firms. The gap is that not enough research been done on mid-sized firms. Therefore, the study is important, and the study will use a survey to collect data from employees. The survey will be sent to employees at several firms.

With tracked changes

Research on remote work and productivity shows mixed results. Some studies find gains, and others find losses. This proposal will study remote work in mid-sized firms. The gap is that not enough research has been done on mid-sized firms. Therefore, the study is important, and the study will use a survey to collect data from employees. The survey will be sent to employees at several firms.

Margin comments

• Comment: What do you mean by “mixed”? Can you tell which conditions separate the studies that find gains from those that find losses?
• Comment: How do you know there is not enough research on mid-sized firms? What did you search, and what did you find or not find?
• Comment: Why would mid-sized firms behave differently from small or large ones? What does your reading suggest?
• Comment: What question is the survey meant to answer, and how would the answers help you decide between competing explanations?
• Comment: “The study is important” is a conclusion. What would you want your reader to understand first so they reach it themselves?